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Literature Text
I thought I was a puzzle finished,
Life unveiling all of it’s pathways leading
Away from a former me, and to pieces,
With Purpose to rebuild with an able body,
Strong mind and soul.
I thought I was the whole I searched,
For after life’s unwavering scores of,
Lessons and visitations. No, I was wrong,
I will always keep growing. Becoming a,
More completed version of myself.
I knew it the day I met you.
Oh you….
The you who mirrored me.
The one with facets similar.
The one who’s structure remained strong,
And held up right along with mine.
Astonishment followed, furthermore, followed by,
The enjambment of a new yet old connection,
Nothing stirred in the recollection, Only the emotion.
Oh the commotion of the emotions;
Confusion and elation. They danced til,
They grew tired, when I met you.
Events later, lead me to the sanctuary who lived,
In your arms. The warm trust manifesting through,
a single touch. The similarities shown with starlight,
The longer we prolonged our transfixion.
Life’s new path lead me to,
A discovery of you,
And found a piece of me.
Life unveiling all of it’s pathways leading
Away from a former me, and to pieces,
With Purpose to rebuild with an able body,
Strong mind and soul.
I thought I was the whole I searched,
For after life’s unwavering scores of,
Lessons and visitations. No, I was wrong,
I will always keep growing. Becoming a,
More completed version of myself.
I knew it the day I met you.
Oh you….
The you who mirrored me.
The one with facets similar.
The one who’s structure remained strong,
And held up right along with mine.
Astonishment followed, furthermore, followed by,
The enjambment of a new yet old connection,
Nothing stirred in the recollection, Only the emotion.
Oh the commotion of the emotions;
Confusion and elation. They danced til,
They grew tired, when I met you.
Events later, lead me to the sanctuary who lived,
In your arms. The warm trust manifesting through,
a single touch. The similarities shown with starlight,
The longer we prolonged our transfixion.
Life’s new path lead me to,
A discovery of you,
And found a piece of me.
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A recent addition to my collection. Dug deep for this gem. Enjoy!
© 2014 - 2024 underworldriver
Comments4
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This was a really good poem. I really felt the emotion you were trying to convey. That feeling of fresh love is certainly familiar and exciting. You get that across perfectly.
There were a few things in here that caught my attention. I was perplexed why you used commas after almost every line. Granted, in some they were needed since that makes them grammatically correct. In the ones where they weren't, I found it to be disrupting the flow and forcing myself to take a longer pause than needed. It's an easy fix. I've done this on my own pieces and do it by reading aloud to myself to see how it goes naturally. For example, while the first stanza is currently written as:
'I thought I was a puzzle finished,
Life unveiling all of it’s pathways leading,
Away from a former me, and to pieces,
With Purpose to rebuild me. Able Body,
Strong mind and a strong soul.'
I would change it to:
'I thought I was a puzzle finished,
Life unveiling all of it’s pathways leading
Away from a former me, and to pieces,
With Purpose to rebuild with an able body,
Strong mind and soul.'
Another thing that confused me was the random capitalization of words that didn't need to be capitalized. These were usually in the middle of a line and were not after a period. It was only twice, but it's another thing thats disrupts the flow since you're not doing what older modern English writers did by capitalizing every noun or something along those lines. Again, this is another quick fix. One example of this is the final line of the fourth stanza:
'Nothing stirred in the recollection, Only the emotion.'
Which can be changed to:
'Nothing stirred in the recollection, only the emotion.'
Once again, I really did enjoy this. Your emotions translated very well and I found myself heavily relating to this piece. I can't wait to see more work from you and how you grow as a writer!
There were a few things in here that caught my attention. I was perplexed why you used commas after almost every line. Granted, in some they were needed since that makes them grammatically correct. In the ones where they weren't, I found it to be disrupting the flow and forcing myself to take a longer pause than needed. It's an easy fix. I've done this on my own pieces and do it by reading aloud to myself to see how it goes naturally. For example, while the first stanza is currently written as:
'I thought I was a puzzle finished,
Life unveiling all of it’s pathways leading,
Away from a former me, and to pieces,
With Purpose to rebuild me. Able Body,
Strong mind and a strong soul.'
I would change it to:
'I thought I was a puzzle finished,
Life unveiling all of it’s pathways leading
Away from a former me, and to pieces,
With Purpose to rebuild with an able body,
Strong mind and soul.'
Another thing that confused me was the random capitalization of words that didn't need to be capitalized. These were usually in the middle of a line and were not after a period. It was only twice, but it's another thing thats disrupts the flow since you're not doing what older modern English writers did by capitalizing every noun or something along those lines. Again, this is another quick fix. One example of this is the final line of the fourth stanza:
'Nothing stirred in the recollection, Only the emotion.'
Which can be changed to:
'Nothing stirred in the recollection, only the emotion.'
Once again, I really did enjoy this. Your emotions translated very well and I found myself heavily relating to this piece. I can't wait to see more work from you and how you grow as a writer!